One of the guys from our community of faith called me this week to tell me that his wife had decided their marriage needed to end. They have been married for over 20 years; have two adult kids; had served as pastors at a couple of other churches before landing in our tribe—really nice people.

I asked him what the heck happened? He said there’s been no abuse, no adultery, no fighting…just a kind of drifting from each other over the past few years. She claimed her needs weren’t being met and that she needed a new life. Plain and simple.

I wanted to cuss. Don’t misunderstand me; I believe God always welcomes us, no matter what. We welcome the divorced, the discouraged, the disenfranchised, the hurting, the sin-torn, the broken into our midst—God is a redeemer. But something in me wishes those of us in the church would fight more for our marriages.

We live in a throw-away world. We throw away everything. When I was growing up, repair shops were not hard to find. Shoe repair, television repair, appliance repair, and watch repair shops were commonplace. Today that isn’t true. When was the last time you had a pair of shoes fixed? Who repairs torn socks anymore? Unless you have an expensive watch, you just throw away the one you have when it quits working. We throw away everything today—even the things that should never be thrown away, things that are designed to last for a lifetime—like marriages.

I think the problem is most American marriages are built on selfishness. There are scads of people who think: “I got married so my spouse can meet my needs.” True, meeting needs is a wonderful relationship builder IF each of you is committed to meeting the other’s needs mutually—but not when you put your needs first. Prioritizing your own needs over your spouse’s and fighting to ensure you are personally taken care of, is the one of the greatest hindrances to a happy marriage. Marriage isn’t supposed to be about “me.” In fact, selfishness is probably the strongest anti-marriage attitude you can embrace.

Whatever happened to the words of Jesus, "It is more blessed to give than to receive"? But the idea of sacrifice and giving ourselves in service to others is viewed by many today as one of those ridiculous, outdated standards we have done well to abandon.

Just the other day one of the daytime talk shows showcased a group of individuals who had the "guts" to “stand up for themselves” and quit their jobs. The host said they were a cut above the millions of “wimps who enjoyed being taken advantage of by serving people." One lady boasted of having over fifty jobs in the past several years because she refused to lower herself to serve her boss. The audience applauded. (One of the most popular songs in country music history is the classic Take This Job and Shove It!)

Today the media glorifies rebellion and selfishness. Bill Hybels writes:
"Watch the T.V. screen—things are tense at work. The employee is disagreeing with the boss. Nerves are snapping as the background music builds. The camera comes in tight on the employee and shows the veins popping out on his forehead. A moment of silence, and then his voice proclaims, 'I quit!' The music crescendos wildly as he storms out, slamming the door behind him. And while the show's sponsors sing the praises of beer or antacids, viewers across the nation sigh and say, 'That's exactly what I want to do to my boss someday. I want to quit in living color, in front of a vast audience, with violins and a drum roll.’

“Look again—a husband and wife are disagreeing. The tension builds. At the peak of anger, the wife suddenly slaps her husband across the face, just as the cymbals crash, of course. Spinning on her heels, she storms out and slams the door just as the employee did on the last show. And half the wives in America say, 'That's what I want to do. Johnny, get the pie tins and we'll go talk to Dad. This time I'm going to tell him to take a walk.’

"Watching these shows, we do not stop to think that the man is now unemployed, the woman is divorced and little Johnny doesn't have a dad anymore. All we see is the glamour, the sweet relief of cashing it in and walking out. But God's truth pierces through our tinsel-town values."

It is important to realize that there is a new morality in town. Americans are now being programmed to think it is a sign of integrity and strength to stand up for one’s rights and selfishly defend oneself no matter who gets hurt in the process. To not do so is considered a weakness. But if giving to others and serving them makes you a wimp and a weakling, then Jesus Christ was the greatest wimp who ever lived! Jesus said, "The Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life a ransom for many.”

Please know that I say this without trying to give a hint of condemnation for those who find themselves on the back end of horrible relationships…divorce is certainly not the unpardonable sin. But it still is sin. God still says, “I hate divorce” (Mal. 2:16).

I just think giving up on relationships happens in our midst more often than it should. I think we need to try a little harder to work things out and I think we need to cry out to God (and each other) for help a little more often.

We are the church, right? We are a “colony of heaven” according to the Apostle Paul (Phil. 3:20, Moffatt). That means we are his divine representatives in this fragmented world. Obviously a great challenge, but also a great joy. Let’s ask God to empower us to do better. It'll keep my cussing down to a minimum.